We all go on holidays and end up taking far too much ‘stuff’ with us. Yet it is the same in our whole lives as we carry our baggage with us.
When I came over to Spain I found it hard to settle in. I had left all I knew and cared about in the UK. I was recovering from an illness that had stripped all my strength and courage from me and from which I was still physically and mentally drained.
Yet I still knew I needed to change my life in the hope of something better and so it was to Spain that I came with a blank page. No ideas as to how I would get on, what disconnection from all I loved would mean to me and how I would find the renewed health and energy to start a new life.
It was time to dump the baggage!
Back in the UK so many people know me and it is frightening to know how much they know about you and will then judge you against that information. My illness brought out fears and insecurities that I never knew I had. My emotions tumbled around me, never knowing whether today would be a good day or a bad day. It was the hormones raging, the adrenal glands failing, the lack of B12 and of course the thyroid failure. Yet no one told me in my diagnosis that my emotions would be so affected too. I thought it was just the physical side, the pain, the memory loss, the weakness of being able to walk, not being able to put two words together!
I missed the sunsets, the views I knew and how to get things done! My support network was now over 2,000 miles away and it was frightening.
Yet even what I had left behind was changing.
Whilst I was going through my own storm of ill-health, the place I loved the most was taking a battering too!
It was time to let go of the past and to start with a clean sheet. Instead of dwelling on all the things in my life that seemed negative and bad, it was time to re-write those pages and see what good had come out of the ‘bad’ times.
My illness was not bad, it was an opportunity to try something new with my life, there was actually nothing stopping me making this move…….only fear!
It was my history stopping me, it was believing in my Fathers words that
‘you are only a girl and will just get married and have kids no point in you going to University, just get a little job to tide you over’
and actually 36 years later of hating those words and only sometimes enjoying my job, I got the chance to let it all go. Were those 36 years wasted? In some ways yes, and in some ways No! as I would not now have the freedom to face that fear! I did learn a lot from the job and now have to find a way to use all that knowledge to give me a better future.
So to Spain I came with a clean sheet. A chance to start as new. Not quite like anew born baby but with enough history to be the person I wanted to be from deep within. It has been an interesting journey and now I hope I am able to help my partner as he too makes the move to Spain. The chance for him to let go of the negative view of his past and sometimes his present life. His chance to present to the world his past from a positive light, the things that make him the man I love and not the man still living in his fears.
Change is hard and it does not always come easily. Just like here in Altea where my favourite view………..
has been ripped apart by man to make it a better place. It’s at this moment a mess, a jumble of stones with no order and no sense.
A bit like how I felt my life was till I took time to rearrange those stones of my history into a better arrangement that allows me to make this change. To be there for those I love in this country and to final face that fear and let go of my Fathers words to me….
I am more than just a ‘girl’……and you are more than you can ever begin to imagine that you are.
Take time to rearrange your history.